I have been very emotional lately. I have kept a lot bottled up for the past several years. My pending move has me anticipating a shake up in my life and a time to declutter and throw away baggage that I no longer need. It has become abundantly clear that food has been my drug/medication of choice to try and dull the pain. I was listening to music this evening and a song struck me – it is called “High Cost of Living” by Jamey Johnson – what a great artist. It is a song about drug addiction – but food addiction is just a slightly more socially acceptable form of the addiction.
I am trying to figure out exactly what pain I am holding on to. It has been five years now since my divorce. It wasn’t a particularly good marriage – so I don’t think that is it. Although maybe it is a feeling of betrayal. Throughout my entire life, I have never had a true best friend – and I guess I would consider my marriage to be the closest thing to a best friend I have had. I have strong feelings regarding honor, loyalty, comradery, family. In fact, the feeling of commitment and comradery is something that really resonated with me in team sports. I probably would have found that satisfaction in the military. I yearn for that feeling now. Maybe that is what I am missing. Perhaps someday I will find a best friend. Until then, I need to find the strength within myself. Time for some meditation.